The Silver Trumpet Brayed

At a wonderful party for my sister's birthday last week we discussed jazz bands. Now then, when I say jazz bands I am sure that what I mean is so far removed from the picture you have in your mind as to be utterly misleading. The jazz band of which you are thinking uses clarinets, saxophones, trombones, trumpets. The aberration of which I speak uses no such thing. The jazz band as it exists in the north east of England is a troupe of talentless oafs who create their racket by means of a boxload of kazoos - their jazz band is a kazoo band.

I was once in love with a girl from Newcastle and at the end of her road stood a school and in this school were held each year the national "jazz band" competitions. Yes, that's right, they have competitions to see who is best at making the most godawful row known to mankind. It's like having a competition to see who is best at throwing dung against a wall.

Until you have heard such a group perform you can have no idea of just how bad these groups are. It would not be so bad if they were to keep it to themselves but sadly, they give performances outdoors, usually at carnivals.

At carnivals they often take the lead in the show and it is at this same carnival that we find the next example of talentless exhibitionism, the morris dancers. Once again they have appropriated the title of an honourable historical and traditional group and defamed it by their antics, for this talentless bunch have nothing whatsoever to do with the real morris dancers of old England. No, this is a bunch of little girls who tramp down the street slapping their thighs until.....well, until they stop slapping their thighs. There is no talent involved and I really cannot see any point to their activities other than mere exhibitionism - "Look at me walking down the street slapping my thighs".

At the front of the morris dancers usually walks a girl (usually a singularly unatractive girl who clearly has little else going for her) who twirls a silver baton which she occasionally throws up into the air and occasionally catches. Yes, there is some skill involved in this, but what a waste of effort.

New to England is the spelling competition, a worthy follower to the hosts of pointless jazz bands and morris dancers. Here a parade of spotty nerds place themselves in the spotlight to do what any self respecting child can do anyway. The main qualification for success here seems to be the ability to stick your neck out and fill out the application form.

I'm sure, come summer, they'll all be there, the jazz band at the front of the parade followed closely by the morris dancers with some poor bugger at the back spelling chrysanthemum

posted by Weasel @ 1:01 AM